No One's Bad Like Black Hat
by FallinForAGuy
Summary: Black Hat Org. isn't doing so well lately, making Black Hat pretty irritable. So Dementia has the genius idea to sing him a "Gaston" parody to cheer him up. I do not own the song, it belongs to the Walt Disney corporation and i take no credit for it's inception. I just wanted an excuse to write a Villainous-themed parody of "Gaston" from Beauty and The Beast.


"Dementia, this is a terrible idea."

"Oh shut up Flugster!" The hyperactive girl said with a jab to the doctors arm. "This'll be just what the boss needs!"

5.0.5. looked on from behind the two and the large office door they stood in front of. He wasn't a fan of this plan either, but if it got Black Hat to cheer up he was willing to go along with it.

Black Hat Organization had been in a funk as of late. Profit was down, they were just barely making back the money they spent on manufacturing their products en mass, and it had taken a toll on the household.

Most of all, their leader.

Black Hat himself had been in the foulest mood any of the three had ever seen him in. Even worse than when Dr. Flug first presented 5.0.5. to him. Which was quite the feat, not even Dementia had even enticed such anger from him. He'd mainly taken to locking himself in his office all day, going over their assets and seeing where to cut funding to maintain their rather lavish lifestyle. It did nothing to improve his mood. Black Hat had a fuse shorter than a malnourished orphan, and that was on a _good_ day. He had no patience for any slip ups, failed experiments, or date requests from a certain lovestruck madwoman.

Speaking of the reptilian girl, she had an "plan" to snap their boss out of his funk and get him back to being the glorious face of evil and malice known the world over. A plan which involved the help of the unfortunate scientist Dr. Flug and the sweet experiment 5.0.5.

A plan that neither had high hopes for, but they allowed themselves to be talked into. Flug fully expecting all three to pay dearly for once it failed.

Noticing the bears worried expression, Flug tried to comfort him. "Shh, shh, it's okay Fives. It'll all work out."

"That's the spirit!" Dementia cheered in a hushed tone. It was supposed to be a surprise after all. "Now, are we all ready?"

A bit late to ask, seeing as how they were all already huddled outside the door to Black Hat's office. Nevertheless, everyone was dressed semi-formally (even Dementia, for once), 5.0.5. had brought some of the better wine and glasses up from the wine cellar (not the very best, that was reserved for "good" times) along with the speakers intended for phase two of the plan, and Dr. Flug had memorized his lines for their little surprise.

"As ready as we'll ever be, Dem." Flug said, dreading what he was about to do. 5.0.5. nodded along, signalling he was ready to play his part. Dementia smiled wide, excited to spring Phase One of her plan.

"Ok, just like we rehearsed boys!" She said, kicking the door down.

Flug flinched at the sight of the door swinging open and revealing their none-to-pleased employer. It looked like today had been an especially bad day so far, which they were only exacerbating with their intrusion.

Before Flug could take 5.0.5. and pretend they were never there, Dementia strolled in confidently. The two males followed her carefully, like the floor would crack and swallow them whole at the slightest pressure.

It had before, after all.

"Hey Black Hat!" Dementia called across the large room, her clashing hair colors for once not hidden by a lizard hood. "How's the paperwork going?"

"How do you _think_ it's going Dementia?" their boss asked in a raspy and angry tone. He took them in one by one, scrutinizing the changed in their usual wardrobes. "Why have you disturbed me?"

"Oh, you know," Dementia said, picking off two wine glasses from 5.0.5.'s cart. "We thought maybe you could do with some refreshments. Wine?"

The eldritch being growled at her. "Leave, all of you. I'm not in the mood to deal with your incompetence."

"Oh c'mon, Blackie!" Dementia insisted. "It'll take the edge off! Just one glass!" She filled the glasses nearly up to the brim, holding one out to the ill-tempered monstrosity.

Black Hat huffed in annoyance but took a long sip from the glass. Dementia sat herself on the edge of his desk, while Black Hat stared daggers at her he didn't push her off.

Dementia, pleased, sipped from her own glass. Eyeing Flug as if to say _Phase One, off without a hitch!_

Flug hoped it meant that they didn't need to go on to Phase Two. He really didn't want to go to Phase Two. It centered on him and he hated it. He would much rather focus his time on inventing something profitable, which would surely improve Black Hat's mood. If he could just figure out something worthwhile.

Black Hat was close to finishing his glass. Dementia kind of jerked her head towards him, the signal for Flug to stop standing there like an idiot and get involved.

Oh boy.

"C-Can I top off your drink, sir?" Dr. Flug asked, retrieving the wine from it's position in the ice bucket on 5.0.5.'s cart. The bear himself was positioned behind it, awaiting the signal for Phase Two.

Black Hat, seeming a little calmer, held out his glass. Flug didn't hesitate with the wine, filling it halfway.

"Did I tell you to stop?"

"Oh! Uh, no sir! Sorry!" Dr. Flug filled it closer to the brim of the glass, as Dementia had.

His boss grumbled, but sipped from his glass once again. He resumed his paperwork, motioning for the trio to leave now.

Flug hoped that would be enough. They brought him some wine, he calmed down enough to only snap at one of them, and now they could leave. Right?

Wrong. Because Dementia decided that this was the perfect opportunity for Phase Two of her plan.

"So, Black Hat, what're ya working on?" She asked.

Flug mentally slapped her. Why couldn't she just leave well enough alone?

"A deal that went sour after our recent failures. Thank you, Dr. Flug, for those by the way." Black Hat said with a sneer. "We lost a stream of potential clients thanks to all those worthless inventions."

Flug flinched under his bosses hard words.

"A-anything we can help with, sir?" he said, trying to salvage his life at this company.

"Ha!" Black Hat laughed without any humour. Only malice. "Unless you can invent something to appease this vile plant woman, no." He gulped down the rest of his wine.

"Poison Oakey?" Dementia asked.

"Close enough!" Black Hat snapped. "Who does this excuse for a 'eco-terrorist' get off!? She doesn't know who she's dealing with!"

"Quiet right." Flug said, bottle at the ready.

"No one says 'no' to the great Black Hat!" He said, jumping suddenly to his feet.

"No way no how!" Dementia chimed in, gulping down the rest of her own wine.

"Dismissed! Rejected! Humiliated! I can't take it!" Black Hat said, knocking down all of his papers off the large mahogany table, along with Dementia, and locking eyes with Flug. 5.0.5. cowered behind the cart.

"More wine?" Flug squeaked out.

Black Hat slumped down into his plush chair. "What for? I'm disgraced."

From her spot on the floor, Dementia gave Flug and Fives the signal to commence Phase Two. The mad doctor wasn't happy about this, but he figured he might as well get it over with.

"You sir? Disgraced? Never!" He said with more conviction than he knew he had in him. "You've got to pull yourself together, sir!"

Fives started the music, so Flug figured it was time to shut up and just do it.

"Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Black Hat, looking so down in the dumps.

Every villain'd love to be you Black Hat, even when taking your lumps.

There's no evildoer admired as you,

You're everyone's favorite bad guy!

The world is awed and inspired by you,

And it's not very hard to see why… "

Dementia grinned up at him, picking herself up. Black Hat just looked extremely confused, wondering why his meek doctor was singing to him.

Oh well, he was already at the chorus. Might as well continue.

"No one's cool as Black Hat,

No one's cruel as Black Hat,

No one's got scary acidic drool like Black Hat!

For there's villain half as dastardly-"

" Perfect, a plague on the Earth! " Dementia sang.

"You can ask any Slade, Bill or Mandark,

And they'll tell you fills their dark hearts up with mirth.

No one's bad like Black Hat

Lord and Master Black Hat

No one's more of a tyrant and God than Black Hat!"

" As a villain, why yes, I'm intimidating "

"My, what a guy, that Black Hat!" Flug and Dementia sang in unison.

Black Hat sang happily. "I needed refreshment, thanks Dr. Flug!"

"Well there's no one as easy to talk up as yo-" Flug was cut off by Black Hat's hand around his neck.

"Too much?"

"Yep." Black Hat released his blubbering scientist. Who promptly continued.

"No one fights like Black Hat

Knocks out lights like Black Hat

Against heroes there's no one who bites like Black Hat!"

"When I'm stalking some pathetic heroes," Black Hat sang. "Do gooders gather 'round and say prayers.

First I carefully aim at their hearts

Then I strike from behind-"

"Is that fair?"

"I don't care."

"No one hits like Black Hat

Has such wit as Black Hat

On the throne of the world no one sits like Black Hat! "

"I'm especially skilled at eviscerating." Which he promptly showed with a flick of his claws.

"That's our man Black Hat!"

" When I was a larvae I ate a planet

Every eon to help me grow strong

And now that I'm grown I eat galaxies whole

So just try saying what I do's wrong! "

Flug never knew what a magnificent singing voice his employer had. He almost missed his cue for the next verse.

"Who has brains (like Black Hat)?

Entertains (like Black Hat)?"

"Who could write up these genius refrains like Black Hat?

I use my face in all of my decorating."

"Sing it again!" Flug and Dementia sang, their arms outstretched towards their master.

"Who's mastermind among men?

Who our super success?

Don't you know?

Can't you guess?

Ask his fanclub and victims at that!

There's just one villain 'round who's got all of it down!"

"And his name's B-L-A-C-...C, SEE HERE Dementia get off me!" The reptile had apparently been so enthralled with how well Phase Two had gone, she could no longer contain her excitement to mere singing and dancing around the room. Oh no. She had to jump onto Dr. Flug right at the end and make him mess up the literal easiest part of the song! It's just spelling Black Hat! Black. Hat. Couldn't be simpler!

"B-L-A-AAAHH let go of my bag!" He attempted again to throw her off of him. Crashing into the wine cart Fives had brought and knocking it into the poor sweet creature. If the big lug hadn't been quick enough to save the wine, they might be in serious trouble for wasting such antiquities.

"B-L-A-C-KA-KA- OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH!" Flug yelled, finally throwing the insane woman off of him. All was silent for a beat, as each of them tried to figure out what they did from this point on.

Dementia locked eyes with Flug, and they both simultaneously came to the same conclusion. _Might as well end on a high note._

" BLACK HAAAAAAAAAT! " The music reached the crescendo right on time, luckily Dementia's antics hadn't put them behind the music too far.

5.0.5. Clapped his big fluffy paws together, very impressed that the two of them had managed not to die. Black Hat himself seemed dazed, confused, and a big tipsy. Hopefully he was drunk enough to let this shameless waste of his time go unpunished.

"...I need to get back to work." He said at last.

"Right away sir!" Dr. Flug said, picking up Dementia and motioning 5.0.5. to wheel out the cart.

Once out of the office, he promptly shut the door tightly. For the first time he allowed himself to breath. In all honesty, that had gone better than he thought it would.

"See?" Dementia asked, wiggling out of his grip. "Told you it would work!"

"I don't know about all that," Flug said. "I'm just glad he didn't kill us for it."

Dementia gave him a knowing smile. "Ah, he'd never kill us. You just don't know Black Hat like I do."

"So, was that it? Was there no Phase Three to your plan?"

"Oh don't worry, Phase Three comes later tonight." She said, batting her eyelashes.

Flug rolled his eyes and walked back to his lab. As long as he wasn't a part of it, she could do what she wanted.


End file.
